Soundtrack of the Week

Amateur Porn vs. Professional Porn: Part 2

In Part I, we defined what amateur and professional porn is. Now it’s time to define the two types of masturbators. Yes, you read that correctly. There are two types of masturbators. Before I move on, I need to make a disclaimer: the two types of masturbators pertain to men only. I suppose for women there are two types: those who do and those who don’t. For us men, there is Type 1 and Type 2.

The Type 1 masturbator is the guy who casually masturbates in between sessions of actual sex. You see, us guys have to release the valve every so often in order to prevent ourselves from being hostile and irritable. Every guy masturbates. This isn’t science. This is merely common sense. Despite how often a guy gets laid, it’ll never be enough. To ensure we don’t pull a Mel Gibson, the Type 1 masturbator cues up the porno just before the PSI levels hit the red zone.

The Type 2 masturbator is reserved for the guys that have a hard time getting laid. The Type 1 masturbator has sex on a regular or semi-regular basis. The Type 2 masturbator gets laid about as often as a solar eclipse is viewable in his region. Every guy (both Type 1 and Type 2) masturbates regularly. Type 2 guys masturbate exponentially more often. Above, I mentioned how Type 1 guys masturbate to prevent hostile and irritable behavior. Type 2 guys masturbate in order to prevent themselves from committing crimes against humanity. It is safe to assume that Hitler never masturbated. If he did, we probably wouldn’t know who he is today. For Type 2 guys, masturbating is their primary source of releasing sperm from the penis. Porno prevents the extermination of a race of human beings.

Back to amateur and professional porn.

So which is better? Well, it depends on whether or not you are a Type 1 or Type 2 masturbator. Type 1 guys don’t need to fantasize about the actual act of having sex. With that said, masturbating to porn is their time to fantasize about having sex with women they otherwise couldn’t seal the deal with. Professional porn offers this escape from reality by letting the guy fantasize about banging a super hot, big-boobed blonde as a result of trying to fix her cable. Remember, professional porn is just a really crappy movie with a lot of explicit sex scenes. Nothing real about it.

Type 2 guys masturbate for completely other reasons. These guys look at porn as a way to simulate what they wish they could/should be doing. Their fantasy is at the lowest level: fantasizing about the act of everyday sex. Since they are simulating a real life event, it would only make sense that the Type 2 guys would prefer amateur porn: everyday looking girls, shaky POV cam, real-life situations makes it easier for the viewer to imagine the experience being real. It’s kind of hard putting yourself in the shoes of a pizza boy who is unnecessarily ripped (seriously, how many pizza delivery guys have 6-pack abs???) and banging an insanely hot chick (who in real life would never eat something as fattening as pizza).

So there you go, folks. The argument of whether or not amateur porn is better than professional porn relies on two factors: 1) what year you were born (pre/post-Internet masturbator) and 2) Type 1 or Type 2 guy. Again, listen to the roundtable discussion on Episode XXVII of Soundtrack of the Week. There is no need to argue my logic. I have spent thousands (perhaps millions) of hours researching this subject.

This is why I am single.

Why I’m Single: Amateur Porn vs. Professional Porn: Part 1

I recently came across a friend of mine’s old porn collection. How or why these videos surfaced is neither here nor there. Long story short, I mentioned how I have never owned a porno movie since I have always had the Internet available to me. That’s when he whipped out his collection (bad choice in phrase right there). Curious about how porn used to be, I took a few home with me. I proceeded to watch these films (while my roommate was away. This is important to note since he will be the first to read this. This disclaimer will prevent him from announcing his entrance every time he enters the living room). Another disclaimer: I only watched these movies. No hanky panky spanky. I’m not saying this to cover my ass (or penis). I’m saying this because a) it’s the truth which leads to b) the point I’m trying to make.

While watching these films I realized they were just that…FILMS. There was a plot, decent camera work, hot plastic women, the whole works. I was confused. You see, I’m from the new generation of porn. The era of amateur porn. I’m used to seeing films where there is no more than five minutes of set-up followed by at least thirty minutes of actual porn. This raised an interesting question: What is better? Amateur porn or “professional” porn?

First, we need to define what is amateur porn and what is professional porn (I use the word “professional” rather loosely in this article…ironically, this is the only time I use the word “loose” in this article). We’ll start with professional porn. Professional porn is any porn that meets the following criteria: high-quality cameras, a plot, and some kind of a budget. The “actresses” are usually pretty hot and their boobs are usually fake. Also, there is a lot of noise involved in professional porn. By noise, I mean a lot of over-exaggerated moans and groans. It’s what I call the “pay-per-moan” aspect of professional porn. Just about every porn that came out pre-Internet meets these prerequisites.

Now it’s time to define amateur porn. Amateur porn is relatively new. It didn’t really take hold until the Internet became popular. This is probably due to the fact that anyone can film and upload a video at practically no cost. Amateur porn is pretty much the opposite of professional porn: crappy cams you can get at Best Buy, no plot whatsoever, and consequentially, the budget doesn’t exceed the cost of the bus they film in and the shame that soon after follows. Unlike professional porn, the “actresses” in amateur porn are typically the girl-next-door type…you know, the type of girl you could probably have sex with in real life. The noise factor is like that of a Kenny G concert (whereas professional porn is like that of a Slayer concert). The actresses aren’t on a pay-per-moan income. Therefore, they have no motivation to feign interest. This is what I refer to as the “enthusiasm factor.” In amateur porn, the only person showing any kind of enthusiasm is the bus driver who just snorted a trash bag’s worth of coke.

So in Part I, we have defined what amateur porn and professional porn is. In Part II, I’m going to define the two types of masturbators (stop laughing, this is serious research) and what it means in terms of the amateur porn vs. professional porn. Don’t forget to listen to Episode XXVII of Soundtrack of the Week for the roundtable discussion.

This is why I am single.