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Remembering Ray Manzarek
Posted: Monday, May 20, 2013 by Anonymous inI was 13. Napster just came out. I had one friend with an internet connection fast enough to download a Whitesnake song faster than one drumfill per 4 hours. Me and few others went over and started to pirate what we knew. For me and my friend Eric, it was Ozzy and Metallica. For the other guys, it was rap. Then one of the more adept drug takers of the group saw a band that caught his eye.
"Hey, get that one. I think my dad listens to that."
After about 15 minutes or so, the amazing World Wide Web delivered the tune. Rain. Fucking rain? Dude, did we just wait this whole time to listen to the fucking rain?
Riders on the storm....
This shit is weird, man.
Into this house we're born, into this world we're thrown....
Pissed, my group of friends went on downloading Warren G and Bone Thugs and whatever it is that suburban white kids in the late 90s wanted to listen to to sound cool (Limp Bizkit records, amazingly, were not getting us laid).
But that song stirred something inside of me. I wanted to hear it again. I had grown up on Aerosmith, Megadeth and GWAR. My sixth grade teacher once remarked how she never ran into many students wearing ripped camo pants and Metallica/GnR tour shirts. Music wasn't new to me. But this music? This was new.
I spent the next few weeks talking my friend with that magical music downloading machine into finding more of it. Those searches introduced me to "Norwegian Wood", "All Along The Watchtower" and "Won't Get Fooled Again". I also started to get high just about every single day. I was floored. All the different sounds and approaches and the energy and the optimism. It was the strangest world I've ever known.
One day, I walked into my school's library and picked up a book. "Oh shit, I know what this is." I started reading. I was hooked. It had shamans and drugs and acts of random violence and sex and excitement. It was about freedom. It was about being alive. It was No One Here Gets Out Alive. It was about The Doors.
His brain is squirming like a toad....
From that moment on, I was Jim Morrison. I grew my hair out just like his (something I've tried to recreate about a half a dozen times since then, but could never get it as perfect as 15 year old me could), started to care more about poetry than sports, about freedom more than safety. I started to care about things that, for once, seemed like something worth caring about. I felt alive for the first time in my life. I broke on through in the best possible way. I've spent most days since absorbing music of all kinds, feeding from the energy it gave and the reveling in the wisdom it provided. I wanted to be The Doors. I wanted to let loose inside of The Whiskey and stroll down Sunset Strip without a purpose. I needed to walk Venice Beach with wide eyes and take in everything that came across me. I sought out their music, starting where they started, with 1967's The Doors. That record is still the first thing I think of when I think of the 60s. I know every fill and lick and beat and solo of every song. That record changed my life.
I always wanted to be the next Jim Morrison, but as I got older, I found myself becoming more like their keyboardist, Ray Manzarek. In the background, letting the artists be artists, but still having my hands on things. I became a thinker, not a poet. I believed in men like Morrison and John Lennon. I believed in rock and roll being a high form of art that could rip down a government just as easily as revved up an engine. I wanted to learn and breathe the art of music and champion those who mastered it like Hendrix or Page. In 1999, not a lot of people still believed in the power of rock music. Woodstock had just been destroyed.
But one man still talked about the 60s and Jim Morrison with the same rush of excitement and amusement as I did. That man was Ray Manzarek. He was a devout priest to the altar of rock and roll. He had faith, man. And as I stand now, the same age as Morrison when he was found dead in a bathtub, I'm glad I never turned out like the ill-fated singer. All I can do know is hope to be more like their unappreciated keyboardist.
Riders on the storm....
Life Explained...Through Baseball & Poker
Posted: Friday, August 3, 2012 by Anonymous in
I am about to explain life to you, so I suggest you
get comfortable and prepare to have your mind blown. I would also suggest
smoking a bowl, but that’s up to you. Life is a tricky little thing and
seemingly very complex. However, it’s not at all complex when you break it
down, and that’s exactly what I am about to do. This essay will explain life
through the game of baseball and poker!
Before we start, an important detail needs to be
cleared up: there is no god. If you believe in a god, then there is a book that
explains everything for you. It’s fiction, but a good read. We are nothing more
than a bunch of random atoms that derived from the Big Bang. With that said,
mathematics is the universal language. Everything in the universe is proven and
explained through mathematical equations. In order to explain life in this
universe, let’s turn to math…more specifically, statistics. And to explain
statistics, let’s turn to baseball and poker.
Baseball
and Life: A Numbers Game
Major League Baseball is a game of statistics…more
so than any other major sport (maybe with the exception of the NBA, which is
about the same). With 162 games a season, an individual player has plenty of
data to work with in order to close in on the statistical (i.e. accurate)
average of his abilities. For example, the Kansas City Royals had one of the
best batting averages in the beginning of the year. However, as the season
progressed and more data was entered, they leveled off to being complete
shit…as expected. With the postseason consisting of a 7-game series, there is
no doubt who the best team is at the end of October. Essentially, baseball is a
game of statistics, making the records and the wins more accurate than, say,
football.
So how does this equate to life? Here are some
examples of players on the leader board to help:
Alex Rodriguez. He’s one of the best active
players at the moment and will no doubt go down in history as one of the elite.
As of this season, Rodriguez is 5th (all-time) in homeruns. There’s
plenty more seasons to climb up to 4th, 3rd, or beyond.
Rodriguez is a fierce hitter that many pitchers rather not face. Statistically,
he is more likely to hit a homerun than most players. Logic would dictate that
striking him out wouldn’t be likely. Wrong! Alex Rodriguez is also SIXTH
(all-time) in strikeouts. We’ll get into the significance of this stat shortly,
but first let’s move to another Hall of Famer.
Nolan Ryan. Personally, my favorite baseball
player. I idolized this guy as a child…and idolize him as an adult, but for
completely different reasons. His stats are amazing and tell a similar story
like that of A-Rod’s numbers. In fact, Ryan’s stats may be more revealing of
the point I will eventually make. Nolan Ryan currently holds the record for
Most Strikeouts (all-time). He has 839 more strikeouts than the second place
holder, Randy Johnson! Even A-Rod would have feared the wrath of Nolan Ryan. It
was hard to hit off of Ryan, but if he didn’t strike you out, he probably
walked your ass. That’s because he’s FIRST (all-time) in Bases on Balls…almost
1,000 more than second place. He’s also 4th in Earned Runs.
You probably already see where I’m going with
this. In the baseball game of life, you’re going to strikeout more than you’ll
hit a homerun. Even the most successful people—whether in business,
relationships, etc—had to strikeout many times before hitting that homerun. In
fact, they probably had more failures than successes, but they have more
successes than you because they allowed themselves the opportunity to fail. The
less you try—the less attempts you put towards ANYTHING—will statistically set
you up for failure. You want to hit a homerun (great job/great
relationship/whatever)? Well then, you have to strikeout a lot (failed
jobs/failed relationships/etc).
Now you see how life is based on statistics.
Remember, a batting average of around .250 isn’t bad. When you think about it
that means you’re going to succeed only once out of every four attempts. Some
of you go-getters will succeed once out of every three attempts, but very few
(if any) will do much better than that. This average only accounts for hits
(small successes). Homeruns (perfect job/perfect mate) happen less often.
Poker and
Life: Success Easier For Others…Obtainable To Everyone
This section will be longer because every aspect of
poker is analogous to life. More specifically, the game of no-limit Texas Hold
‘Em. It will take too long to get into the basic rules and strategies of the
game, so hopefully you are familiar with them. If not, work the Google machine.
As
an avid poker player, I have always seen the similarities of poker and life, so
I am excited to finally share my revelations. Unlike other forms of poker
(Omaha, limit poker, etc.), Texas Hold ‘Em is a combination of statistics,
psychology and luck. Life doesn’t always follow a statistical pattern; it can
often times be unpredictable just like poker. However, the statistical game
will always override the elements of psychology and luck. Some of the most
successful poker pros are mathematical geniuses and former professional chess
players. Conversely, amateurs have been known to win World Series of Poker
events.
The
analogies are simple. Your starting hand in poker is equivalent to your
position in life when you are born: rich/poor, black/white, disable/great
genes, etc. The flop, turn and river represent the beginning, middle and end
(respectively) of a certain stage in life. We all go through many stages in
life, so losing one hand is to be expected. The question is, can you win enough
hands in life to win the whole tournament? For some, this comes easier than
most, but even a bad hand can be a winning hand.
POCKET ACES
The
Holy Grail of poker hands. This is the best possible starting hand in poker. In
life, this is being born to a wealthy family with great genes and all that
comes with it. Statistically, you are likely to win. You can coast through the
flop, turn and river and probably win. In other words, you can coast through
life and still come out a winner with little to no work done on your part. For
every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. In this case, if you
play your pocket aces poorly, you can lose everything. Due to the strength of
your hand, failure will often be the result of bad luck. For example there
could a straight or flush on the board. This is the equivalent to a stock
market crash, a terrible disease/accident, or whatever. It is not uncommon in
poker (and therefore life) for someone with pocket aces to get cocky and have
that cockiness exploited by someone with a weaker hand yet far more skill.
Pocket Aces of the world will almost always succeed, but it’s never a
guarantee. If you treat that hand like it’s a given, bad things may happen.
7/2 OFF-SUIT
The
Redheaded Stepchild of poker. 7/2 off-suit (7/2o) is the equivalent of a crack
baby in life. Statistically, you don’t stand a chance. This starting hand very
rarely improves through the flop, turn or river. Meaning, very few crack babies
go on to do well in life. This doesn’t mean you are completely doomed. Just
like Mr. Pocket Aces can lose everything, the 7/2o can win the pot if he or she
plays their cards right. Sure, the 7/2o has to be exponentially smarter and
more skilled in order to succeed, but with a complex strategy, you can take
down the pot. Also like Mr. Pocket Aces seeing a straight on the board (i.e.
bad luck), Mr. 7/2o can come across good luck and see his shitty hand magically
turn into a full house. This would be like winning the lottery, or finding a
suitcase full of money, or something. If 7/2o does get lucky and takes down a
huge pot, they have two choices: 1) wise up and keep that money or 2) get
greedy with that luck and lose it all in the next hand. Happens all the time in
poker, happens all the time in life. As a 7/2o you have work much MUCH harder
than everyone else to witness an ounce of success, but enough intelligence can
make it happen.
MIDDLE PAIR
The
Mediocre hand, i.e. the rest of us. These hands win about 50% of the time.
There’s no coasting through the flop, turn and river (i.e. life) with this
hand. On the other hand, you’re not setup for failure either. You are just as
likely to lose with this hand as you are to win. If you play smart, you will
succeed. If you play recklessly, you will lose. And if you just half-ass your way
through life with this hand, you essentially have a 50/50 shot of
succeeding/failing. Just like Pocket Aces and 7/2o, luck could go for or
against you. You’ll have to work harder than Pocket Aces to win, but not nearly
as hard as 7/2o. Essentially, if you don’t do anything, you will break even in
life. Just a tiny slip in the right or wrong direction can be significant with
middle pair. By far, Middle Pair is the most complex hand to possess in life
since it could go either way. It’s up to the skill of the individual player to
determine where this hands goes.
Below
is loose guide of the hand correlation with socioeconomic group:
High
pair = wealthy
A/K, A/Q, A/J, = upper middleclass
10/10, 9/9, 8/8 = middle class
6/6, 5/5, 4/4 = lower middleclass/working class
Everything else = lower class
THE HANDS AFTER THE FLOP
The
wonderful thing about poker is that it is a game of statistics and skill mixed
with a little bit of luck…just like life. Just like poker, you can bluff your
way through life for only so long before everyone catches on and busts you. My
roommate (soon to be former roommate) is a good example of that. He was a leech
for his entire 20s and got away with it. However, after so many years of being
a bum, people wised up to his laziness and slowly started to drop out of his
life. Now, there’s no one he can bluff that won’t call him out on it.
Before
the flop (when we are born), we are NOT created equal in terms of our
likelihood to succeed. Some have an extreme advantage or disadvantage, but it’s
worth noting that we all chip-in the same amount to see the flop. Once we get
further into life (the flop/turn/river), our individual skills (or lack
thereof) will override any of this advantages or disadvantages. The more hands
you win (the more stages you succeed in), the more chips you acquire, therefore
making subsequent hands easier to win (the more confidence, knowledge, wealth,
etc).
Okay,
okay. Let’s discuss religion briefly. The poker equivalent to religion is the
first-time player that gets way too far into the tournament. This person is
under the impression they are skilled and know what they are doing, but in
reality they got there blindly. Once the shit hits the fan, they’re helpless to
regain control of their chips and inevitably fail. For example, if a religious
person gets in a really bad rut, they’ll turn to prayer and God rather than fix
the problem themselves. Soon enough their chip count in life will diminish and
there’s nothing they can do about it since they don’t have the skills and knowledge
needed to regain control. Extreme knowledge of the game will get you further
than a gut feeling on each hand, and will arm you when forced to make a
difficult decision.
Summary
In
summary, life is nothing more than a game of statistics. The more activity you
log in, the more likely you are to succeed. Some groups may have an unfair
advantage over others, but at the individual level, you can lose it all by
playing recklessly. The reverse is true for those with a major disadvantage.
For the rest of, play the numbers, play smart and profit. You won’t go broke by
losing one hand, and if you are a smart player, you’ll end successfully if you
play enough hands.
SOTW Roundup: 7/22/2012 - 7/28/2012
Posted: Wednesday, August 1, 2012 by Anonymous in
SOTW Roundup: 7/22/2012 - 7/28-2012
Yeah, the IOC took down the Rambling Morons’
YouTube upload within an hour or so of being posted. For those of you who don’t
know, Rambing Morons is a small podcast based in Kansas City. They’re good, but
they’re not exactly reaching a mass audience. With that said, how the hell did
the IOC find this upload almost instantly and have it removed? Fuck “how,” what
about why? Copyright infringement laws are around to protect the hard work of
people and entities and to prevent others from profiting off of it. Rambling
Morons did nothing wrong here. The IOC were enforcing the letter of the law,
not the SPIRIT of the law. NBC fucked up the broadcasting (and apps) of the
Olympics. The IOC fucked up the games as a whole. London 2012: The Death of the
Olympics. There is one thing that neither NBC nor the IOC can screw up…THIS
WEEK’S ROUNDUP!*
* Screwing this up is MY job…and I do it well.
The
NCAA raped Penn State with sanctions. Below are the conditions of the
sanctions:
·
$60 million fine (proceeds go to endowment fund
for victims of sexual abuse)
·
Four-year bowl ban.
·
All victories from 1998 to 2011 vacated.
·
Annual scholarships reduced from 25 to 15 for
four years (current players cannot transfer and ineligible outside of Penn
State).
·
Five-year probation period.
This is worse than the death penalty (i.e. no
football program at all for a year). In other words, the legendary Penn State
football program is done…forever. The $60 million dollar fine doesn’t include
any civil suits that may come in the near future. Who’s going to pay for all
this? The school, obviously, but money from the football program alone couldn’t
possibly cover the costs of all the pending civil suits. Other sports programs
and possibly academic programs might feel the effects of these sanctions. And
why are the victories vacated? Since when did boy-fucking give you a
competitive edge? Paterno WAS the winningest coach in college football, but has
now fallen down to #12 in overall NCAA records and #5 in Division I NCAA. Some
people find this to be unfair, but ask the victims whether or not they think
it’s fair. These sanctions set a HUGE precedent. If you cover up child
molesters, you will be DESTROYED once we eventually find out…and we WILL find
out someday. This is a major victory for everyone across the board, not just
for college sports. If you protect child molesters, you’re DONE. Message sent
and received.
For the first time since some local girl
(Catherine Fox) won a gold medal in 1996, my hometown of Roeland Park, KS
(suburb of Kansas City) has made national news. Coincidentally, it’s taking
place during another Summer Olympics…and that’s where the similarities end. A
puppeteer who fantasized about raping, murdering, and EATING children has been
arrested. Here’s his mugshot:
Brown: "Maybe I can tell him that
he’s a big boy now and he can take it. I
could
give him a choice on how he wants to go.”
Arnett: “That would be nice of you :) Give
him choices/ all which end up in him being cut up and eaten."
Brown: “"I could ask him how he
wants each cut of his body to be done and then label it for him with a black
marker.”
This motherfucker makes Sandusky look like a
saint. Then again, it is the Internet. About 99% of all claims made via chat
room are completely full of shit. I’m really hoping this not the 1%.
I’m completely against all the media hype about
the theater shooting in Colorado, but this next story is interesting and has
nothing to do with James Holmes. One of the
victims is suing the theater for the massacre. Torrence Brown, Jr. is suing
Century 16 Theater for letting the whole thing happen. By the way, Brown was
never injured. Unfortunately, his friend was shot in the chest and died, so
he’s suing for suffering from extreme trauma. Also, he’s suing THREE people:
the theater, Holmes’ doctors and Warner Bros. I never thought I would rail
against someone who was present during the shooting, but fuck this guy. He’s
trying to earn a big paycheck off a major tragedy. You know either he or
someone he knows came up with the idea of cashing in on this. Is he a little
traumatized after this? Sure, but I am sure that was NEVER the motivation
behind this lawsuit. The fact that he’s trying to sue Warner Bros. for this
proves that a) he’s a fucking moron and b) his lawyer also is a gold-digging
moron and has no dignity whatsoever. Fuck ‘em and everybody else that abuses
the legal system (*cough* Danielle *cough*).
There aren’t enough Jews in politics. There aren’t
enough women in politics. Jewish women? Thank God (the one that ISN’T the
father of Jesus) Mindy
Meyer is running for the New York state Senate. She will be the first
Orthodox Jewish woman to do so. A Conservative Republican, Meyers is only
22-years-old…so she knows EXACTLY what she is doing. Don’t believe me? Here’s a
screenshot of here insanely professional, well thought-out website:
Ohhhhhh, so THAT’S why no Orthodox Jewish woman
has ever won a seat in the Senate. Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me? “I’m Senator
And I Know It”?!?!?!?! Leopard print font?!?!?! LMFAO as the music played on
your homepage?!?!? This has to be a joke, but it’s not. If she gets elected,
this country just went full retard! This is exactly what happens when we don’t
put good-looking rich girls in their place. I am sure that NO ONE told her this
was a bad idea…before or AFTER the website was launched. If you are worried
about her lack of experience (or intelligence), fear not: "I can tell you
one thing, I have no experience in corruption.” Enough said.
Attention all hippies, PETA members, vegans, and
other worthless people: you have no idea what the fuck you are talking about or
doing. Also, animals HATE you. Point in case: A
child was bitten by a rapid bat because of people like you. While hanging
out at the beach, a 10-year-old noticed a small crowd gathered around a bat
that was just lying on the beach. The bat was probably just chillin’ minding
his own business until some woman picked it up and told the children to gather
around if they wanted to see and pet the bat…because, you know, she was a bat
expert. Except for she wasn’t. When the 10-year-old went to pet the bat, the
bat bit her…because, you know, it’s a fucking bat being approached by a larger
animal. One can safely assume that whoever picked up the bat for display was
one of those “all animals are precious and beautiful” types. Or maybe she was
mentally retarded…oh wait…same thing! Bad news: EVERY SINGLE ANIMAL WOULD KILL
AND EAT YOU IF THEY COULD! Unfortunately, the bat bit the girl and not the dumb
bitch that thought picking up a goddamn bat and showing the children was a good
idea. Unless you have a formal education about *fill in the blank*, LEAVE SHIT
ALONE. Your crystals and incense won’t stop a wild animal from instinctively
attacking your dumbass. And NO, Wikipedia and Google do not constitute a
“formal education.” Thanks to the Internet, we’re all experts about everything.
Los Angeles is a piece of shit. Fact. At least
they legalized medical marijuana, which essentially means marijuana is legal.
However, you wouldn’t know it after they banned
all medical marijuana dispensaries. For some residents, the pot shops have
been a nuisance, with many claiming they have increased the crime rate in their
area. Not surprisingly, a bunch of hippies shouted profanity-laden protests at
the city council meeting once they reached the decision. Hippies are peaceful,
loving people…until you mess with their weed. There’s no better way to stop the
alleged nuisance and crime increase than to essentially make marijuana illegal
all over again. Banning dispensaries will put marijuana back on the black
market and into the hands of drug dealers (salt of the Earth) once again.
Legalize marijuana or don’t. However, don’t kind of legalize but only if this
happens and only here, not there…see the problem? Oh yeah, we’re all fucking
retarded.
A Greek Olympic athlete has been banned. Doping?
Nope. Sexual misconduct? I wish (you’ll see why). Racist tweet? Yep! Triple jumper Voula
Papachristou was expelled over comments on Twitter that were deemed racist.
This is what she said:
“With
so many Africans in Greece..At least the West Nile mosquitos..will eat homemade
food!!!”
And this is who said it:
What To Look Forward To On Episode 102 of
Soundtrack of the Week:
For more news and commentary that Voula Papachristou would
approve of, listen to Soundtrack of the Week on www.soundtrackoftheweek.com,
iTunes, and on your smartphone via Stitcher Radio (Twitter page at @SOTWpodcast). Also follow Ty on
Twitter at @TySOTW. If you don’t,
the International Olympic Committee will block and ban you…from life.
Diaries of the Unemployed (Part I)
Posted: Tuesday, July 31, 2012 by Anonymous in
With the 2012 presidential election just around the corner,
the economy is on everyone’s mind. In fact, it’s the #1 issue every politician
is addressing. Since the economic collapse in 2008, unemployment has become a
problem. The unemployment rate drastically shot up in 2009, reaching a high of
10.0% in October of 2009. Many claim that the recession is over since
unemployment is down. Well, that’s complete BS.
Unemployment is down since 2009, but we’re still sitting at
8.2%. To put that into perspective, the unemployment rate was hovering around
4.5% just before the collapse in 2008, and ebbed and flowed at around 5% from
2002 until then. Since I have always had a full-time job since I was 19, I have
pretty much ignored these stats. The recession didn’t affect me since I have
always been broke. Broke, but not poor. As of July 20, 2012, at the age of 29,
I will join the ranks of the unemployed after being laid off from my job of
eight years. I am here to chronicle the journey of the unemployed.
Since the journey has just begun, I’ll spend this first
entry briefing you about my education and work history, as well as throwing out
more numbers showing you where the nation is at a whole. After dropping out of
my first semester of college right out of high school I have always maintained
a full-time job…two, to be exact. First was a 2½-year stint as a bank teller,
followed by eight years at the job I was just released from. During that time,
I went back to school and acquired a bachelor’s degree in journalism last May.
It took seven years to get that degree since working full-time and going to
school full-time is no easy chore. However, I did it knowing a) I hated my
current job and b) that degree would give me a career. So far, I am wrong about
the latter.
At my peak, I was making $13/hr. That is complete shit for
someone in his late 20s, but it paid the bills (barely) while furthering my
education to fix that problem. Although broke, money was never a legitimate
problem since I was employed. My peers were surpassing me at an exponential
rate, but I knew that I was on pace to catch up and even go beyond. When the
recession hit, I was able to keep my job while many others lost theirs. I never
once took that for granted. I was going to continue to work at my crappy job while
looking for a career to utilize my college education.
I knew as far back as late April that I would be terminated
from my job in July. Since then, I have submitted my résumé to about 50
employers. The only people to reply were the insurance and “financial advisor”
scammers. Keep in mind; these were positions that I was overqualified for. This
does not include the over 100 résumés I have sent to radio stations,
newspapers, etc. After a few months of actively seeking a job, July 20th
has passed…and now I’m in freak-out mode!
Currently, there are 3.5 job seekers per job opening. That
does not mean 3.5 people on average are applying to each opening. It refers to
the number of job seekers versus the number of job openings. Realistically, 30,
40, 100s, maybe even 1000s of people are applying for the same job you are
applying for. The average length of unemployment is 10 months. My severance pay
(which I realize I am insanely fortunate to have) is for three months. In the
coming weeks, I will document my adventures as an unemployed job seeker. After
all, I will have PLENTY of time to write this.
Top 5 Angriest Songs
Posted: Monday, August 9, 2010 by Anonymous in Labels: Angry, Metallica, Music, Pantera, podcast, RammsteinUnfortunately, there will be no roundtable discussion for this list. Episode XXIX was an abortion of an episode, so we decided not to air it. Tune in next week to listen to our Top 5 Underrated Albums.
JAY’S LIST
1. “BATTERY” METALLICA
2. “HEAD CRUSHER” MEGADETH
3. “MOUTH FOR WAR” PANTERA
4. “LUNCHBOX” MARILYN MANSON
5. “BREAK STUFF” LIMP BIZKIT
TY’S LIST
1. “FUCKING HOSTILE” PANTERA
2. “LIAR” HENRY ROLLINS
3. “TERRITORIAL PISSINGS” NIRVANA
4. “FREEDOM” RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE
5. “BYOB” SYSTEM OF A DOWN
ERIC’S LIST
1. “DU HAST” RAMMSTEIN
2. “LAST CARESS” DANZIG
3. “WALK” PANTERA
4. “APRIL 26TH, 1992” SUBLIME
5. “WAR” MARLEY
HONORABLE MENTIONS
· “JESUS BUILT MY HOTROD” MINISTRY (TY)
· “SO WHAT” METALLICA (JAY)
· “ANARCHY IN THE U.K.” SEX PISTOLS (ERIC)
· “BODIES” DROWNING POOL (TY)
· “EVE OF DESTRUCTION” BARRY MCGUIRE (JAY)
· “BREAK STUFF” LIMP BIZKIT (TY)
· “WISH” NINE INCH NAILS (TY)
Why I Am Single: Online Dating Sites
Posted: Thursday, August 5, 2010 by Anonymous in Labels: Dating, podcast, singles
By now, you know I am single and have been for quite some time. I like to think this has been a conscious decision based on a variety of factors. Others would argue otherwise. Regardless, I’m always on the prowl for a potential relationship. This includes online dating sites.
At first, I was hesitant to join a dating site since they are often associated with desperation. However, after getting over that baseless assumption, I realized we live in a digital age, so might as well seek a date through the series of tubes known as the Internet. I mean, it couldn’t be all that bad. Right?
Wrong.
I won’t specify which dating sites I have explored, but that doesn’t matter. They are all the same. No one seems to be desperate for a date, surprisingly. In fact, I’m about to explain why these sites are complete bullshit and should be avoided.
To start, let’s talk about the pictures people put on their profile. In a nutshell, they are all a complete scam. Anytime you see a picture of someone on a dating site, go ahead and give them the standard 1-10 rating…then shave off at least 2 points. People on dating sites are nothing more than salespeople. After all, they are selling a product…themselves. Think about what a cheeseburger looks like on a drive-thru menu and what it actually looks like once you receive it. That’s exactly what’s going at these dating sites. People are putting up the absolute best (i.e. bullshit/fake) pictures of themselves, which are not indicative of what they look like in real life. Sometimes, the pictures were taken five years ago.
Here’s another thing I learned about pictures on dating sites. If a woman has only close-up face pictures, she’s overweight. If they are not showing their entire body, there is a reason. So if you see a girl with an attractive face, but cannot see anything BUT her face, that can only mean one thing…butter face. Consider yourself warned.
My idea of a perfect dating website would require the members to do the following things in regards to pictures: 1) full body shots 2) no glamour shots 3) pictures must be updated every month (which would require the member to hold up that day’s newspaper to ensure the picture isn’t from 2002 when they were actually thin).
Apparently, no one is desperate for a date seeing as how a) no one ever replies to their messages and b) they have a laundry list of demands before considering a date. The lack of replies might indicate how much I suck, but that’s a different article entirely. Here’s the thing: if you are on a dating site, you’re not exactly reeling in the dates. Therefore, why are you replying selectively to everyone? Beggars can’t be choosers.
Something I have learned from online dating sites: over 50% of women are bisexual…and I am okay with that.
When discussing things that you like, please do not put “music.” EVERYONE loves music! Unless you are deaf (and I highly suggest mentioning that), this fact is always implied. If you are going to talk about music, talk about WHAT music you like and exactly why you love it so much (what does it mean to you). And for the love of god, DO NOT SAY “LOVE ALL MUSIC!” This is a chicken-shit/brainless/bullshit response to “What kind of music do you like?” On second thought, DO reply with that response. That way, I know right away to ignore any of your messages.
Here’s another thing I do not like about online dating sites: match ratings. Let’s get something straight. It’s just a website. Psychologists and love gurus are not analyzing the information being submitted. The website is just a host site for profiles and inboxes. With that said, what exactly is the mathematical formula being used to calculate whether or not someone is a 90% match or 10% match?
There is none, so stop pretending.
Unfortunately, there are too many stupid people on these sites who put a lot of faith in those numbers. On the plus side, this works in my favor when one of these stupid people sees that I’m a 10% match and move on. On the downside, I have weird people sending me messages after hitting 90%.
I have seen many women who emphasize that any guys who have shirtless, mirror pictures need not apply…almost every time, the same profile mentions how they want a guy who is in shape and takes care of themselves. Two things: 1) Shirtless pictures allow you to know that he fits your superficial prerequisites, which leads to 2) don’t pretend to be “too mature” for vanity pictures when that request is immediately followed by “must be in shape/physically active/insert euphemism for “must look good with your shirt off” (even though I’ll reject anyone with pictures of themselves with their shirt off). Just sayin…
Even though you probably already knew that online dating websites are worthless, at least now you have some bullet points to back up your assumption. By the way, you can listen to the roundtable discussion on Episode XXIX of Soundtrack of the Week, which can be found on iTunes and at http://sotw.podbean.com (won’t be recorded until August 8th). This is what I think about when I should be working, which explains…
Why I am single.