Amateur Porn vs. Professional Porn: Part 2
In Part I, we defined what amateur and professional porn is. Now it’s time to define the two types of masturbators. Yes, you read that correctly. There are two types of masturbators. Before I move on, I need to make a disclaimer: the two types of masturbators pertain to men only. I suppose for women there are two types: those who do and those who don’t. For us men, there is Type 1 and Type 2.
The Type 1 masturbator is the guy who casually masturbates in between sessions of actual sex. You see, us guys have to release the valve every so often in order to prevent ourselves from being hostile and irritable. Every guy masturbates. This isn’t science. This is merely common sense. Despite how often a guy gets laid, it’ll never be enough. To ensure we don’t pull a Mel Gibson, the Type 1 masturbator cues up the porno just before the PSI levels hit the red zone.
The Type 2 masturbator is reserved for the guys that have a hard time getting laid. The Type 1 masturbator has sex on a regular or semi-regular basis. The Type 2 masturbator gets laid about as often as a solar eclipse is viewable in his region. Every guy (both Type 1 and Type 2) masturbates regularly. Type 2 guys masturbate exponentially more often. Above, I mentioned how Type 1 guys masturbate to prevent hostile and irritable behavior. Type 2 guys masturbate in order to prevent themselves from committing crimes against humanity. It is safe to assume that Hitler never masturbated. If he did, we probably wouldn’t know who he is today. For Type 2 guys, masturbating is their primary source of releasing sperm from the penis. Porno prevents the extermination of a race of human beings.
Back to amateur and professional porn.
So which is better? Well, it depends on whether or not you are a Type 1 or Type 2 masturbator. Type 1 guys don’t need to fantasize about the actual act of having sex. With that said, masturbating to porn is their time to fantasize about having sex with women they otherwise couldn’t seal the deal with. Professional porn offers this escape from reality by letting the guy fantasize about banging a super hot, big-boobed blonde as a result of trying to fix her cable. Remember, professional porn is just a really crappy movie with a lot of explicit sex scenes. Nothing real about it.
Type 2 guys masturbate for completely other reasons. These guys look at porn as a way to simulate what they wish they could/should be doing. Their fantasy is at the lowest level: fantasizing about the act of everyday sex. Since they are simulating a real life event, it would only make sense that the Type 2 guys would prefer amateur porn: everyday looking girls, shaky POV cam, real-life situations makes it easier for the viewer to imagine the experience being real. It’s kind of hard putting yourself in the shoes of a pizza boy who is unnecessarily ripped (seriously, how many pizza delivery guys have 6-pack abs???) and banging an insanely hot chick (who in real life would never eat something as fattening as pizza).
So there you go, folks. The argument of whether or not amateur porn is better than professional porn relies on two factors: 1) what year you were born (pre/post-Internet masturbator) and 2) Type 1 or Type 2 guy. Again, listen to the roundtable discussion on Episode XXVII of Soundtrack of the Week. There is no need to argue my logic. I have spent thousands (perhaps millions) of hours researching this subject.
This is why I am single.
