Soundtrack of the Week

By now, you know I am single and have been for quite some time. I like to think this has been a conscious decision based on a variety of factors. Others would argue otherwise. Regardless, I’m always on the prowl for a potential relationship. This includes online dating sites.

At first, I was hesitant to join a dating site since they are often associated with desperation. However, after getting over that baseless assumption, I realized we live in a digital age, so might as well seek a date through the series of tubes known as the Internet. I mean, it couldn’t be all that bad. Right?

Wrong.

I won’t specify which dating sites I have explored, but that doesn’t matter. They are all the same. No one seems to be desperate for a date, surprisingly. In fact, I’m about to explain why these sites are complete bullshit and should be avoided.

To start, let’s talk about the pictures people put on their profile. In a nutshell, they are all a complete scam. Anytime you see a picture of someone on a dating site, go ahead and give them the standard 1-10 rating…then shave off at least 2 points. People on dating sites are nothing more than salespeople. After all, they are selling a product…themselves. Think about what a cheeseburger looks like on a drive-thru menu and what it actually looks like once you receive it. That’s exactly what’s going at these dating sites. People are putting up the absolute best (i.e. bullshit/fake) pictures of themselves, which are not indicative of what they look like in real life. Sometimes, the pictures were taken five years ago.

Here’s another thing I learned about pictures on dating sites. If a woman has only close-up face pictures, she’s overweight. If they are not showing their entire body, there is a reason. So if you see a girl with an attractive face, but cannot see anything BUT her face, that can only mean one thing…butter face. Consider yourself warned.

My idea of a perfect dating website would require the members to do the following things in regards to pictures: 1) full body shots 2) no glamour shots 3) pictures must be updated every month (which would require the member to hold up that day’s newspaper to ensure the picture isn’t from 2002 when they were actually thin).

Apparently, no one is desperate for a date seeing as how a) no one ever replies to their messages and b) they have a laundry list of demands before considering a date. The lack of replies might indicate how much I suck, but that’s a different article entirely. Here’s the thing: if you are on a dating site, you’re not exactly reeling in the dates. Therefore, why are you replying selectively to everyone? Beggars can’t be choosers.

Something I have learned from online dating sites: over 50% of women are bisexual…and I am okay with that.

When discussing things that you like, please do not put “music.” EVERYONE loves music! Unless you are deaf (and I highly suggest mentioning that), this fact is always implied. If you are going to talk about music, talk about WHAT music you like and exactly why you love it so much (what does it mean to you). And for the love of god, DO NOT SAY “LOVE ALL MUSIC!” This is a chicken-shit/brainless/bullshit response to “What kind of music do you like?” On second thought, DO reply with that response. That way, I know right away to ignore any of your messages.

Here’s another thing I do not like about online dating sites: match ratings. Let’s get something straight. It’s just a website. Psychologists and love gurus are not analyzing the information being submitted. The website is just a host site for profiles and inboxes. With that said, what exactly is the mathematical formula being used to calculate whether or not someone is a 90% match or 10% match?

There is none, so stop pretending.

Unfortunately, there are too many stupid people on these sites who put a lot of faith in those numbers. On the plus side, this works in my favor when one of these stupid people sees that I’m a 10% match and move on. On the downside, I have weird people sending me messages after hitting 90%.

I have seen many women who emphasize that any guys who have shirtless, mirror pictures need not apply…almost every time, the same profile mentions how they want a guy who is in shape and takes care of themselves. Two things: 1) Shirtless pictures allow you to know that he fits your superficial prerequisites, which leads to 2) don’t pretend to be “too mature” for vanity pictures when that request is immediately followed by “must be in shape/physically active/insert euphemism for “must look good with your shirt off” (even though I’ll reject anyone with pictures of themselves with their shirt off). Just sayin…

Even though you probably already knew that online dating websites are worthless, at least now you have some bullet points to back up your assumption. By the way, you can listen to the roundtable discussion on Episode XXIX of Soundtrack of the Week, which can be found on iTunes and at http://sotw.podbean.com (won’t be recorded until August 8^th). This is what I think about when I should be working, which explains…

Why I am single.