Soundtrack of the Week

Unfortunately, there will be no roundtable discussion for this list. Episode XXIX was an abortion of an episode, so we decided not to air it. Tune in next week to listen to our Top 5 Underrated Albums.

By now, you know I am single and have been for quite some time. I like to think this has been a conscious decision based on a variety of factors. Others would argue otherwise. Regardless, I’m always on the prowl for a potential relationship. This includes online dating sites.

At first, I was hesitant to join a dating site since they are often associated with desperation. However, after getting over that baseless assumption, I realized we live in a digital age, so might as well seek a date through the series of tubes known as the Internet. I mean, it couldn’t be all that bad. Right?

Wrong.

I won’t specify which dating sites I have explored, but that doesn’t matter. They are all the same. No one seems to be desperate for a date, surprisingly. In fact, I’m about to explain why these sites are complete bullshit and should be avoided.

To start, let’s talk about the pictures people put on their profile. In a nutshell, they are all a complete scam. Anytime you see a picture of someone on a dating site, go ahead and give them the standard 1-10 rating…then shave off at least 2 points. People on dating sites are nothing more than salespeople. After all, they are selling a product…themselves. Think about what a cheeseburger looks like on a drive-thru menu and what it actually looks like once you receive it. That’s exactly what’s going at these dating sites. People are putting up the absolute best (i.e. bullshit/fake) pictures of themselves, which are not indicative of what they look like in real life. Sometimes, the pictures were taken five years ago.

Here’s another thing I learned about pictures on dating sites. If a woman has only close-up face pictures, she’s overweight. If they are not showing their entire body, there is a reason. So if you see a girl with an attractive face, but cannot see anything BUT her face, that can only mean one thing…butter face. Consider yourself warned.

My idea of a perfect dating website would require the members to do the following things in regards to pictures: 1) full body shots 2) no glamour shots 3) pictures must be updated every month (which would require the member to hold up that day’s newspaper to ensure the picture isn’t from 2002 when they were actually thin).

Apparently, no one is desperate for a date seeing as how a) no one ever replies to their messages and b) they have a laundry list of demands before considering a date. The lack of replies might indicate how much I suck, but that’s a different article entirely. Here’s the thing: if you are on a dating site, you’re not exactly reeling in the dates. Therefore, why are you replying selectively to everyone? Beggars can’t be choosers.

Something I have learned from online dating sites: over 50% of women are bisexual…and I am okay with that.

When discussing things that you like, please do not put “music.” EVERYONE loves music! Unless you are deaf (and I highly suggest mentioning that), this fact is always implied. If you are going to talk about music, talk about WHAT music you like and exactly why you love it so much (what does it mean to you). And for the love of god, DO NOT SAY “LOVE ALL MUSIC!” This is a chicken-shit/brainless/bullshit response to “What kind of music do you like?” On second thought, DO reply with that response. That way, I know right away to ignore any of your messages.

Here’s another thing I do not like about online dating sites: match ratings. Let’s get something straight. It’s just a website. Psychologists and love gurus are not analyzing the information being submitted. The website is just a host site for profiles and inboxes. With that said, what exactly is the mathematical formula being used to calculate whether or not someone is a 90% match or 10% match?

There is none, so stop pretending.

Unfortunately, there are too many stupid people on these sites who put a lot of faith in those numbers. On the plus side, this works in my favor when one of these stupid people sees that I’m a 10% match and move on. On the downside, I have weird people sending me messages after hitting 90%.

I have seen many women who emphasize that any guys who have shirtless, mirror pictures need not apply…almost every time, the same profile mentions how they want a guy who is in shape and takes care of themselves. Two things: 1) Shirtless pictures allow you to know that he fits your superficial prerequisites, which leads to 2) don’t pretend to be “too mature” for vanity pictures when that request is immediately followed by “must be in shape/physically active/insert euphemism for “must look good with your shirt off” (even though I’ll reject anyone with pictures of themselves with their shirt off). Just sayin…

Even though you probably already knew that online dating websites are worthless, at least now you have some bullet points to back up your assumption. By the way, you can listen to the roundtable discussion on Episode XXIX of Soundtrack of the Week, which can be found on iTunes and at http://sotw.podbean.com (won’t be recorded until August 8^th). This is what I think about when I should be working, which explains…

Why I am single.

As you can see, Eric had better things to do during this episode, so he does not have a list this time. You can hear the roundtable discussion of these songs on Episode XXVIII at sotw.podbean.com and on iTunes.

Ty’s Top 5 List

1. “Shiny Happy People” by REM

2. “Three Little Birds” by Bob Marley

3. “Don’t Worry Be Happy” by Bobby McFerrin

4. “Margaritaville” by Jimmy Buffett

5. “Rock Lobster” by B-52s

Jay’s Top 5 List

1. “I Saw Her Standing There” by The Beatles

2. “Our House” by Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young

3. “Me and Julio Down by the School Yard” by Paul Simon

4. “Hold Tight” by Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich

5. “It’s Not Unusual” by Tom Jones

Honorable Mention

· “Groove Is In the Heart” by Deee-Lite (Ty)

· “Buddy Holly” by Weezer (Jay)

· “Float On” by Modest Mouse (Ty)

· “Come Dancing” by The Kinks (Jay)

· “Walking On Sunshine” by Katrina and the Waves (Ty)

· “Joe’s Garage” by Frank Zappa (Jay)

· “I Feel Good” by James Brown (Ty)

You can hear the roundtable discussion of these songs on Episode XXVII at sotw.podbean.com and on iTunes.

Amateur Porn vs. Professional Porn: Part 2

In Part I, we defined what amateur and professional porn is. Now it’s time to define the two types of masturbators. Yes, you read that correctly. There are two types of masturbators. Before I move on, I need to make a disclaimer: the two types of masturbators pertain to men only. I suppose for women there are two types: those who do and those who don’t. For us men, there is Type 1 and Type 2.

The Type 1 masturbator is the guy who casually masturbates in between sessions of actual sex. You see, us guys have to release the valve every so often in order to prevent ourselves from being hostile and irritable. Every guy masturbates. This isn’t science. This is merely common sense. Despite how often a guy gets laid, it’ll never be enough. To ensure we don’t pull a Mel Gibson, the Type 1 masturbator cues up the porno just before the PSI levels hit the red zone.

The Type 2 masturbator is reserved for the guys that have a hard time getting laid. The Type 1 masturbator has sex on a regular or semi-regular basis. The Type 2 masturbator gets laid about as often as a solar eclipse is viewable in his region. Every guy (both Type 1 and Type 2) masturbates regularly. Type 2 guys masturbate exponentially more often. Above, I mentioned how Type 1 guys masturbate to prevent hostile and irritable behavior. Type 2 guys masturbate in order to prevent themselves from committing crimes against humanity. It is safe to assume that Hitler never masturbated. If he did, we probably wouldn’t know who he is today. For Type 2 guys, masturbating is their primary source of releasing sperm from the penis. Porno prevents the extermination of a race of human beings.

Back to amateur and professional porn.

So which is better? Well, it depends on whether or not you are a Type 1 or Type 2 masturbator. Type 1 guys don’t need to fantasize about the actual act of having sex. With that said, masturbating to porn is their time to fantasize about having sex with women they otherwise couldn’t seal the deal with. Professional porn offers this escape from reality by letting the guy fantasize about banging a super hot, big-boobed blonde as a result of trying to fix her cable. Remember, professional porn is just a really crappy movie with a lot of explicit sex scenes. Nothing real about it.

Type 2 guys masturbate for completely other reasons. These guys look at porn as a way to simulate what they wish they could/should be doing. Their fantasy is at the lowest level: fantasizing about the act of everyday sex. Since they are simulating a real life event, it would only make sense that the Type 2 guys would prefer amateur porn: everyday looking girls, shaky POV cam, real-life situations makes it easier for the viewer to imagine the experience being real. It’s kind of hard putting yourself in the shoes of a pizza boy who is unnecessarily ripped (seriously, how many pizza delivery guys have 6-pack abs???) and banging an insanely hot chick (who in real life would never eat something as fattening as pizza).

So there you go, folks. The argument of whether or not amateur porn is better than professional porn relies on two factors: 1) what year you were born (pre/post-Internet masturbator) and 2) Type 1 or Type 2 guy. Again, listen to the roundtable discussion on Episode XXVII of Soundtrack of the Week. There is no need to argue my logic. I have spent thousands (perhaps millions) of hours researching this subject.

This is why I am single.

Why I’m Single: Amateur Porn vs. Professional Porn: Part 1

I recently came across a friend of mine’s old porn collection. How or why these videos surfaced is neither here nor there. Long story short, I mentioned how I have never owned a porno movie since I have always had the Internet available to me. That’s when he whipped out his collection (bad choice in phrase right there). Curious about how porn used to be, I took a few home with me. I proceeded to watch these films (while my roommate was away. This is important to note since he will be the first to read this. This disclaimer will prevent him from announcing his entrance every time he enters the living room). Another disclaimer: I only watched these movies. No hanky panky spanky. I’m not saying this to cover my ass (or penis). I’m saying this because a) it’s the truth which leads to b) the point I’m trying to make.

While watching these films I realized they were just that…FILMS. There was a plot, decent camera work, hot plastic women, the whole works. I was confused. You see, I’m from the new generation of porn. The era of amateur porn. I’m used to seeing films where there is no more than five minutes of set-up followed by at least thirty minutes of actual porn. This raised an interesting question: What is better? Amateur porn or “professional” porn?

First, we need to define what is amateur porn and what is professional porn (I use the word “professional” rather loosely in this article…ironically, this is the only time I use the word “loose” in this article). We’ll start with professional porn. Professional porn is any porn that meets the following criteria: high-quality cameras, a plot, and some kind of a budget. The “actresses” are usually pretty hot and their boobs are usually fake. Also, there is a lot of noise involved in professional porn. By noise, I mean a lot of over-exaggerated moans and groans. It’s what I call the “pay-per-moan” aspect of professional porn. Just about every porn that came out pre-Internet meets these prerequisites.

Now it’s time to define amateur porn. Amateur porn is relatively new. It didn’t really take hold until the Internet became popular. This is probably due to the fact that anyone can film and upload a video at practically no cost. Amateur porn is pretty much the opposite of professional porn: crappy cams you can get at Best Buy, no plot whatsoever, and consequentially, the budget doesn’t exceed the cost of the bus they film in and the shame that soon after follows. Unlike professional porn, the “actresses” in amateur porn are typically the girl-next-door type…you know, the type of girl you could probably have sex with in real life. The noise factor is like that of a Kenny G concert (whereas professional porn is like that of a Slayer concert). The actresses aren’t on a pay-per-moan income. Therefore, they have no motivation to feign interest. This is what I refer to as the “enthusiasm factor.” In amateur porn, the only person showing any kind of enthusiasm is the bus driver who just snorted a trash bag’s worth of coke.

So in Part I, we have defined what amateur porn and professional porn is. In Part II, I’m going to define the two types of masturbators (stop laughing, this is serious research) and what it means in terms of the amateur porn vs. professional porn. Don’t forget to listen to Episode XXVII of Soundtrack of the Week for the roundtable discussion.

This is why I am single.